From the Diary of a 20 year-old Closet Neurotic -

Felt really homesick today. Life at home is so sweet - everything so familiar and loved. Family, friends, places...

So much that is loved is missed.
But I suppose much of love is in the missing.

These tiny revelations.

So my house-mate's sitting outside in the living room with her boyfriend being all giggly and girlfriend-ly. I was sitting outside talking to her boyfriend until I realised they probably wanted some alone time so I left.

I don't really like how closed off people get when they're in relationships. I think it's rather rude, actually. At least when I'm with my bf (when I had one, that is) and there were other people around I'd always try not to make them feel excluded.

But I suppose that's what happens when you find a special someone.

BUT I don't think it's right to insist on spending 24/7 together... Well, I guess if they mutually agree to it's fine. Just mildy nauseating.

I suppose what's most frightening to me is that I judge couples now so critically, as if I've never been in one, or don't want to be in one. And when I try to reflect back on how I used to be in a relationship, I draw a blank. Isn't that scary? I've been single for so long I've forgotten what it's like to be attached. Then again, before this I was equally frightened by how I'd forgotten what it was like to be single.

I just can't help feeling really scared about my future. Maybe my biological clock is finally ticking loud enough for me to start getting paranoid, but lately I've been REALLY worried about never finding someone to spend my life with. I realise it's VERY EARLY in life to think about these things, but going on the present dry spell, it's hard to remain hopeful. And I've always been the worrying sort, so I've always worried about never finding someone. But these days it's more intense than before. Let's hope it passes.

I suppose it could be worse though. I could be attracting no one, instead of attracting the wrong ones.

But I think what I think about most are the missed opportunities. All the half-hearted pursuits that just end up hanging. You always wonder about what could have become of them. The saddest thing is they usually are awkward relations by now because things were left hanging. Which almost always means you'll never find out what could have been.

Then there's also this small problem of me being relationship-retarded. Well, more like flirting-retarded. I've never really gone down that route before. I've always gotten to know them better as friends (albeit with ulterior motives. But we've always portrayed it as platonic.) before gradually it becomes obvious we like each other. Slow, but hey - no worries of rejection because you're 'just friends'. I'm always somewhat amazed (and a little envious) of girls that manage to subtly signal to guys that they're interested. The prospect of expressing my non-platonic interest in a guy just frightens me so much I either freeze or spaz out, neither of which is very attractive.

But ok - does anyone SERIOUSLY know how to go about love the right way? Is there even a right way? I doubt it. I comfort myself with the delusion that deep down, everyone is as awkward as I try not to appear.