I've always been the silent suffering sort.

As much as we scoff at and mock chick flicks and fairy tales, with their soul mates and happy endings, we always secretly hope to star in one. Even as I admit I hope for a telepathic and understanding and loving boyfriend to walk into my life, I know it won't REALLY happen. So here I am, wishing for one who would just TRY to be that supernatural boy.

It's always awkward to bring up these things. The skilled ones manipulate and seduce, while the rest of us fumble about awkward words and halting sentences. We write and re-write speeches, imagine dialogues and scenes, only to have them turn out exactly as we had never intended them to. Then we write a lame letter, that we hope will turn into a sweet momento years later.

*sigh* I wish I knew the art of Seduction.

What a crazy night.
Some people take a whole year,
Some people take 2 weeks.
I suppose what makes these 2 weeks, culminating in last night, stand out is how everything fell so perfectly in place. (As opposed to with people who take a whole year.)
Day One. Hmmm. We shall see how things evolve.
For now I should study for OChem.
I've been having a pretty good day so far, it's about time I marred it.

From the Diary of a 20 year-old Closet Neurotic -

Felt really homesick today. Life at home is so sweet - everything so familiar and loved. Family, friends, places...

So much that is loved is missed.
But I suppose much of love is in the missing.

These tiny revelations.

So my house-mate's sitting outside in the living room with her boyfriend being all giggly and girlfriend-ly. I was sitting outside talking to her boyfriend until I realised they probably wanted some alone time so I left.

I don't really like how closed off people get when they're in relationships. I think it's rather rude, actually. At least when I'm with my bf (when I had one, that is) and there were other people around I'd always try not to make them feel excluded.

But I suppose that's what happens when you find a special someone.

BUT I don't think it's right to insist on spending 24/7 together... Well, I guess if they mutually agree to it's fine. Just mildy nauseating.

I suppose what's most frightening to me is that I judge couples now so critically, as if I've never been in one, or don't want to be in one. And when I try to reflect back on how I used to be in a relationship, I draw a blank. Isn't that scary? I've been single for so long I've forgotten what it's like to be attached. Then again, before this I was equally frightened by how I'd forgotten what it was like to be single.

I just can't help feeling really scared about my future. Maybe my biological clock is finally ticking loud enough for me to start getting paranoid, but lately I've been REALLY worried about never finding someone to spend my life with. I realise it's VERY EARLY in life to think about these things, but going on the present dry spell, it's hard to remain hopeful. And I've always been the worrying sort, so I've always worried about never finding someone. But these days it's more intense than before. Let's hope it passes.

I suppose it could be worse though. I could be attracting no one, instead of attracting the wrong ones.

But I think what I think about most are the missed opportunities. All the half-hearted pursuits that just end up hanging. You always wonder about what could have become of them. The saddest thing is they usually are awkward relations by now because things were left hanging. Which almost always means you'll never find out what could have been.

Then there's also this small problem of me being relationship-retarded. Well, more like flirting-retarded. I've never really gone down that route before. I've always gotten to know them better as friends (albeit with ulterior motives. But we've always portrayed it as platonic.) before gradually it becomes obvious we like each other. Slow, but hey - no worries of rejection because you're 'just friends'. I'm always somewhat amazed (and a little envious) of girls that manage to subtly signal to guys that they're interested. The prospect of expressing my non-platonic interest in a guy just frightens me so much I either freeze or spaz out, neither of which is very attractive.

But ok - does anyone SERIOUSLY know how to go about love the right way? Is there even a right way? I doubt it. I comfort myself with the delusion that deep down, everyone is as awkward as I try not to appear.

Sometimes I really hate having to pack my bags.
I hate the idea that my life can fit into 46kg of mass in reinforced nylon.
Not including carry-on.

I'm just sitting in the middle of my room, with all my things strewn across the floor, hoping the bags will pack themselves. I hear there's a Harry Potter spell for this, unfortunately Rollie can't remember what it is. I don't have a wand anyway. Heh.

Then there's the issue of sneaking in bak kwa and pork floss into America. I thought about hiding them with my shoes instead of clothes, in case my shirts looked suspiciously stiff. But I realised that shoes don't provide sufficient camouflage or coverage la. I will build a fake base for my suitcase one day and become a legit smuggler of pork slices. Hoho.

Oh well. Can't wait till I get back. I wonder if I'll get any pleasant surprises at the airport tomorrow.

I've always been a fan of the notion of the life-changing moment.
And I think the memories that you replay in your mind days,weeks,months,years after... That's a pretty good indication that those are THE moments.
But alas, I've haven't really had THE moments when your life changes. More like 'You know there was one time... (at band camp? HAHA NO OH GOD NO.)'
Okay the American Pie reference just totally killed the pensive mood but well -

Continuing -
Friday's fashion show, Wardroblings. I don't think I'll ever forget that day. If only because it was so traumatic. I've never been yelled at so much in my life, and had to take it all meekly.

The show itself went well. Everyone showed up eventually, they knew where to walk (although HOW to walk is an entirely different issue altogether), people came and loved it (mostly), there was champagne... I think that pretty much covers everything. Yup.

Behind the scenes though, it was a totally different story.

From 12-4 I was in a perpetual frenzied state because people refused to show up for rehearsal and there were 3 different shows that the choreographer wanted to go through. We pretty much fucked up his entire rehearsal plan. Normally I would be very chill about this, because it's not my problem. My jobscope for the day was just make sure the outfits are in order, and nothing goes missing... Right. Well the outfits were in orer and nothing went missing, so right on there. The other problems would have been none of my concern if not for the fact that I was part of the crew, and the first one there for the choreographer to scream at. So since he had decided that I was in charge, I took charge. Only problem was that I had almost no information on what was happening. I had to find out, and I had to find out by 20 minutes ago. STRESS.

Having taken hold of the reins I would have loved to hand them over the moment some of the actual organizers arrived, but it's hard to just toss the reins of wild angry and possibly rabied running horses (do horses get rabies?) over to someone else just like that. Especially if you're not quite sure if they can control the situation... Hmm.

I officially handed the kancheong-ness over to Dee once she arrived. I know you're reading this so - you go girl. If there was anyone I knew would catch the reins of rabied horses, it would be you. That's a total compliment, btw. GOOD HANDS. HAHA.

But as with all difficult periods of life (or day, in this case) you say this ONE THING - it was a learning experience. Way to find the silver lining, Max! You're so clever.

Lesson learnt?
Somewhere in my life, somehow, I have become responsible. Even when it's not my responsibility, I owe it to someone else to be their stand-in. How absolutely horrible. I will now never be able to enjoy a single moment of my life, because I will be worrying about someone else's problems. I need to ditch all my friends right now, lose all attachments to the material world, and live in a cave. Possibly shave my head. Then die alone, but free.

Damn, even I can't tell if I'm being sarcastic.

I had like 3 paragraphs after this but I realised I was rambling and going nowhere with my musings.

So I guess all I have left to say is this:

You know there was this one time...

... my friend organized this fashion show and I was helping out. I was really proud of her, but I was really proud of me too.

wowowee i am BORED at home...

headache
mindless tv
comfy couch
life is good...enough...

waiting for 10pm
gonna join the guys at timbre
bro'in out yeea.
oh god i'm such a boy.

mom's coming home
was supposed to cook
me, that is
but since i'm the only one at home
mom's gonna BUY food
poo. where's the fun in that.

yes, i have been cooking.
relatively decent too if i may add
true, part of it was all from packets and pre-mixes
but still, there was actual fire involved!
(no microwave, i swear!)
PLUS i've overcome my fear of frying veggies
i think i can handle anything now
yeeeap.
definitely.

i love line breaks.

Sometimes I wonder if I take after my mom or my dad.
I like to think I'm more like my dad.
Easy-going. Mean-looking until you talk to me then I'm really chatty...
A little vain, a little bratty.
Rude when I'm annoyed.
Really hug-y and friendly when I'm happy.
A tendency to be nicest to those I don't really know very well, and progressively more mean and sarcastic towards those I'm very close to.

Wow. There are some pretty horrible traits.

Still, I'm most thankful that I'm easy-going like daddy. I will never be wound up as tightly as mommy lets herself get. Then unleash it on everyone around me, valid as it may be. The problem with unleashing like that is that it usually bursts open previously mended dams and all the shit from before comes forth again. Rehash. Siggggh.

More reason not to puffpuffpuff...

Well anyway. I'm the kind of person that likes lists and plans. Yet when it comes to execution, I find myself usually using the plans as mere guides and end up winging it. I think that's the thing that parents find hardest to deal with. It's something that us kids expect of each other, not to say that when it's regarding important appointments it's not annoying, but... you've been there. You've been that kid who's massively late for the most ridiculous of reasons. You make up for it, or you plan around it - have back-up plans. I don't know how to exactly describe the psyche of the teenager when it comes to being punctual. But we usually just end up being late together.

Plans also just spontaneously combust sometimes. And if it's not too important, it's fine. This also bugs parents to no end.

My mom dared me to find my own place if I value my personal space and freedom so much. I daren't. I know if I did, she may never speak to me again. I shall forever be branded the ingrate child. The cat will inherit my room and my mom will have a void deck sale for all my belongings. Sigh.

Shhit I forgot to hit publish instead of save. Here's Monday's post, on Thursday. :\

So here I am
Monday afternoon
First day of the week
Last week of work
Reflecting on the week before.

Quite possibly, last week passed so fast only because it was so slow.
(You can tell I love my puns and ironies, can't you?)
Hardly anything was accomplished in the lab - just one prolonged experiment spanning all week.

Highlight of my week was going for drinks with Jendypop. He was flying off to Taiwan the next day, so we met at Chijmes and talked about my absence from SG over a few. Topic of the night was How Much Has Changed In A Year. And while I don't think that the Essence of My Being has changed, my worldview definitely has. Sorta. It's hard to be living on your own in a whole new world, so different from your own tiny little bubble, and not come back a little... altered (for lack of a better word).

The same can be said for Jendypop, I suppose. Life in the army isn't quite the same as that of us... Civilians. Somehow the army's managed to convince Jendy that NS is absolutely necessary for all our boys. I can almost imagine him saying 'civilian' with a sneer. Oh the horror. I don't think we could be friends anymore if he signs on.

Nothing against the SAF. Us being in need of protection from the imminent threat of a war and all. Definitely. I just think Jendy was made for... Other things. Like being a doctor or a poet or a critic... Definitely a critic. The sort that doesn't have callused hands. But then again we all never expected me to turn out a researcher. Hoho.

One thing's for sure though - we've all mellowed out. And become a lot more tolerant of ingesting/ inhaling unhealthy substances. Sometimes I wonder if I do these things because it gives me street cred as an almost-adult. I suppose it does, a little. I can't say I like it very much though - too expensive. Plus I've started to see some unhealthy side-effects which very frankly scare me. Aversion therapy, eh? I just see how over-eager some freshers in college are when it comes to drinking, and I get very very very afraid. They fallaciously equate drinking like you're 21, with actually having the maturity of a 21 year-old. Shudder.

But back to mellowing out like proverbial wine -

Jendy used to be quite possibly THE MOST obnoxious, opinionated, self-righteous and dare I say, MEAN (oooooh...) person I knew. He is also very intelligent, which gives him some sort of license to be obnoxious and opinionated, I guess. It by no means made him likeable, or even tolerable though. Haha. I don't know why we are friends. We created a new friendship code: 'Fuck off, Affectionately!' Wow we are lame :\ But anyway yeah - Jendy did not insult me ONCE the entire night, jokingly or not. Amazing. I almost miss it. Being nice to people gets a little contrived after a while. I prefer being brutally honest... But mostly brutal, because it's kinda funny. Comedy = Tragedy + Timing, right? So in a sense, Jendy's less funny now because he's all nice and warm and fuzzy and agreeable. Conversations are so much more fun when you disagree... Which we did, on NS. But never mind that. I've never been through it so I really have no right to comment I suppose.

I think for the most part, mellowing out just means getting too tired to argue about things. Which means we all become bobbing heads with droopy eyes and dark circles chanting 'whatever you say, whatever you say...'

Scary.

Hate to admit it but I really miss Lucy-boy.
Was gonna slip a little limerick in his wallet while he wasn't looking but I had neither time away from him to write it nor to slip it.
Sweetheart left me a note, hidden on my bed too. Aw.
It's just kinda boring to come home to an empty house, you know?
Suddenly being an only child is kind of depressing.
He would bug me all night talking about everything that popped into his hyperactive mind, and when I asked him why he didn't want to sleep (because I sure as hell wanted to - I work weekdays?!) he replied, 'Because now I've got someone at home that I can talk to'. And now I see that I felt the same. We watched Pushing Daisies all night until he had to leave for the airport, mainly because I didn't want to say goodbye just yet.
Company this good, you hold onto for as long as you can.
I've always been really bad at goodbye's, so all I said really was "I'll cya next year".
Haii. I really miss the banter.
Sadly, quick wit is not possessed by many.

I'll check back in 15 minutes to see if you've thought of a comeback.

Today was a good day.
Sorta.
Started off with a nice brekkie outside the house with the fam.
Lazy mornings.
Started getting ready for work, realised it was OMGlate!
Rushed out wearing the first dress I could find, heels in hand, make-up in my bag, still wearing my glasses!
Horrible day of sniffling in the lab.
Ran my first Western blot! Exciting :)
Got done with work early.
Came home to sleep. Woke up much less sniffly and red-eyed.
Skipped the meeting because I'd finished my work and updated Jon. Efficiency whootz!
Anita's birthday dinner got Postponed but that's fine because birthdays are arbitrary days in a way anywayy and tomorrow will totally absofuckinlutely rock!
Checked Facebook to find a pleasant surprise.
Bought new heels.
2 pairs, to be exact.

What's on my mind right now?

I'll never find friends like the ones here at home. A fag, a sit-down, a drink, and witty conversation. A group where if you have nothing interesting to say, you're better off at home. A group where nothing is taboo, and everything is about fun, debauchery... And tomorrow, we save the world!

...

I'm glad I finally got a lock on my door.
Walking around my room naked.
Parents at my door bug me.
Wish I was back in Madison. MY space; I OWN it. Nobody to come knocking, babying me, smothering me...
Making me dependent. Feeble.

...

People graduating. Moving on with their lives.
Marriage. Life partners. Boyfriends. Boys. Sex in closets. Flirtation.
Settle down or move on? Chase or wait?
20 and alone... for life?
Chase or wait? Settle or keep going?
Where to next? What will the next year bring? And the year after? Graduation. Then?
Is there anything worth deciding on, or is everything just dependent on something else? So if even if I could decide, it would be pointless because it wasn't up to me.
Decisions, decisions... People who have already decided what to do with their lives scare me. I know nothing beyond my career.

...

Probably should sleep.
Not even sure what's on my mind now.
Half-formed thoughts that get swept under the rug before I can figure things out.
Fuck it, yea?
For tomorrow - I shop!

Been sick the past few days/weeks>>months(?!) It's kind of fucking annoying. Thanks to a combination of allergies, late nights, hawker food, durian and beer. Wow I sound damn UNCLE. But really - I haven't been sick like this for a long time... Since the last time I was back home. So sad, I'm allergic to Singapore :(

Damn sensitive nasal cavities!

But I don't know why I can't survive on less than 7 hours of sleep anymore. Getting old. No energy. Too tired to get all hyperactive and crazy.

Had dinner with Russ last night for his birthday. Caught up with what's been going on in his life. Made me realise how much he's grown. He used to be really innocent, and almost naive. He still is that same old sweet Russ, but it's obvious that he's slowly shedding that skin and growing a little more cynical - the mark of maturity, perhaps?

Made me realise too how far we BOTH have come since we were 14. Damn, has it really been 6 years? Thinking back on our conversations then always makes me cringe/smile. What were we thinking?! We used to be so righteous when we talked, now our conversations are peppered with 'if's and 'maybe's and 'probably's. It's so strange that at 20 we worry about what we'll be like in 5 years, when we never would have thought about being 20 when we were 15. Never would have guessed that my life would turn out like this... Nor would I have guessed Russ would have gone through all that he has. A little part of me still believes he'll always be 17, but I see the 20 year old in him bubble through occasionally.

Since I've been home, I've been spending the most time with the ones I've known the longest (family included, obviously). Maybe it's obligation, on both sides, but with friends as old as these, you never really have to ask 'How've you been?'. There's a certain innate understanding of each other that has come with the years of friendship, and an ease and comfort of just picking up where we left off. We just talk about whatever comes to mind - how's the food, how's the weather, where shall we go later? An anecdote here, a complaint there, and slowly I begin piecing together their stories for the last few months.

It's hard to find friends that you can bum around and watch tv with. No pressure to make conversation. The trust that if something wasn't ok, you could talk about it. But everything's ok, so you just grab another beer, and watch the best damn soccer game you've seen in a bloody long time.

Ah, Singapore TV.
The blatant acting.
The unnaturally proper English.
The obvious stereotyping.
And let's not forget the news - it's the same at 9am, 12pm and 7pm... today, tomorrow and probably the day after.

Aiya, but it's nice to watch local sitcoms. They're such wonderful satires and reminders of home. Just watched Yang Sisters. Tomorrow there is Sayang Sayang!

Damn an ad for the Great Singapore Sale just came on! I still haven't gone shopping... Technically I could just go with my mom's credit card, but I think it'd be more fun to go with my mom too. Besides, I'm so tired at the end of the day I just wanna go home.

Aiya go back to watch tv la.

Being home is a strange experience.
After being gone for 9 months, coming home was almost unimaginable. I'd almost forgotten what it's like to be somewhere disgustingly hot and humid. (Ah, Home.)
Now about 2 weeks since I walked out of the beautiful air-conditioned Changi, Madison seems like some bizarre dream - was I really ever there?
Over the 2 weeks Singapore went from the surreal to reality.
More strangeness to come -
living in my old room. I call it my old room, because I really don't feel like I live here anymore. It's pretty much temporary. I mean, Singapore's home, but Madison's where I live.
Speaking of which, I really miss Madison. I wouldn't mind it half as much if I were to go back tomorrow. I'm so excited about moving into my own apartment!!
But back to home and strangeness -
A little bit of the surreality still exists.
Having my parents provide for my every need (I literally do not need to get up to get a glass of water in my house.)
Grandma's room being converted into some half-storage room half-extended wardrobe.
The dog not being around.
New furniture and old furniture moved around.
Asian people everywhere and the barrage of Singaporean accents.
Taking the train.
Rain.
Clubs.
Drinking legally.
Being driven around by boys my age.
Somedays I still wake up and wonder why I'm in my old bed and why it's so bloody hot.
I honestly feel the most comfortable when the house is empty now. Then I just bustle about like I own the place, and a semblance of the independence I had in Madison is returned to me.
Not to say I'm a caged bird or anything.
I just like coming and going as I please, without having to notify anyone.
And don't let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise - the more people serve you, the less freedom you get. You grow dependent and feeble. I found that out first hand during my first time buying my own groceries. I felt like a right idiot, buying 8 bucks worth of grapes. And silly as it sounds, freedom = buying your own groceries. That is what real freedom feels like. The next stage would be cooking your own meals... Which I will learn soon enough from good ol' Daddykins. The irony is not lost on me there. Hoho.

Wow okay it's like 5 am I can't sleep it's finals week but I totally don't feel the pressure.

All hail the US cumulative system of education - for pacing kids and preventing mental breakdowns since the Constitution.

So yes - I'm awake because of coffee, not stress.

I think it's awesome that College Library (yes that's what it's called. we have like 50 libraries on campus too) is open 24/7. I just wished they had food 24/7 too. Reminds me of our silly all-nighter at Changi one time. And the study sessions that turn out to be the most fun we had in school. But anyway I'm not there. I was there till about 2.30 then we walked back in the cold because we forgot the bus doesn't run on Sundays. Damn. Absolutely frigid I swear. This was probably like the 10th time we've missed the bus for one reason or another. Walking home at 3am is beginning to feel normal.

Not gonna lie, I'm awake because certain things are on my mind. My general mood is that of excitement - I can't wait for finals to be over. To hang out with my friends before I leave for 3 months. To come back and hang out with you guys. To look out the plane window and see Changi. To lie on the beach and tan. To makan the hawker food. To see you at Zouk every Wednesday. To be home.

I'm gonna miss being in Madison though. I used to think I would hate being here all the time, but I think I'm really starting to like it here. Sure the weather's really fucked up, but it's such a pretty little bubble of peace tranquility nature and casual college life. It's like a giant Holland Village or Bukit Timah, but with a lake the size of Pulau Ubin.

Plus, he's here. Things seem to finally be moving forward, after a whole year... And now we're a week away from a 7 month absence. We'll see what happens I guess. It would be nice if January arrives and nothing much has changed, but I'm not keeping my hopes up. Especially since he's such a dumbass about it. It's kind of adorable how awkward it/he/we are, but oh so frustrating. Don't you just hate it when people choose the final moment to swing into action.

And then there's the freedom of being here, of having the complete control over how my day will turn out. I can't wait to come back and move into my apartment. Yay, more grown up things for Max! I mean, of course I miss being pampered at home, and my family... But I think it's the right time for me to start appreciating independence. Not just to be in a huge beautiful fenced garden, but to be out running through the proverbial wide open spaces, making my own mistakes and discoveries. Real independence, not the illusion of it.

And of course my Timmie-girl! What would I do without my favourite Canadian/Indian midget :)

Sigh. The sun's rising. I'll probably fall asleep at College tomorrow, but that's fine. Life is a lot better when I just go with the flow. Weird little cliche to insert, but trust me, nothing is more apt than that over-used piece of advice right now.

I'm genuinely almost-depressed about leaving. Yet completely beyond excited about going home. This kind of simultaneous extreme contrast in emotions must not be healthy for my psychological well-being. Oh well.

Made-up Love Song #43

I love you through sparks and shining dragons, I do
Now there's poetry, in an empty coke can
You got me off the sofa
Just sprang out of the air
The best things come from nowhere
I love you, I don't think you care

I love you through sparks and shining dragons, I do
And the symmetry in your northern grin
You got me off the sofa
Just sprang out of the air
The best things come from nowhere
I can't believe you care

Guillemots

I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor

Oh there ain't no love, no Montagues or Capulets
Just banging tunes and DJ sets and
Dirty dance floors and dreams of naughtiness

Arctic Monkeys

I got caught in the rain today. Fuck. Should have stayed in bed and skipped classes again. Fuck.

On the up side - my hair's rlly wavy today coz of the humidity! Yayy.

so i have been online all day frantically, yes FRANTICALLY, searching for stuffss to buy for my parents so i do not go home empty-handed.

i spent HOURS looking for the perfect bag for my mom and i finally found one a saks online ON SALE. it was perfect, i swear. and by the time i decide to buy it (a few hrs later) it's SOLD OUT. fuckkkkzzz. saks is having an awesome 2 day sale online right now btw. tmr is the deadline omg i should go see if i want more things. i just ordered three bags and a pair of shoes for me, my mom and my dad. i think the mail room is gg to be flooded with my stuff. coz i have two iphones coming in as well. hahaha WAH I AM BIG SPENDER WHOOTZ. and i am very poor now because in the span of 3 days this last minute shopping spree (that is not yet over because i still have godma/aunties/uncles/cousins/friends to buy things for) has cost me more than 1000USD. ok i know the USD is getting weaker but seriously MY ALLOWANCE IS GIVEN TO ME IN USD. which means, this is MY dollar omg omg omg.

nvm i shall just tell myself that this is a one time cost i will not have to keep buying prezzies for them when i come home. OH CRAP I'M GOING HOME AGAIN FOR CHRISTMAS NO EXCUSE NOT TO BUY PRESENTS. damn.

on another note-

i've still randomly been emo-ing i hate this confusion i rlly do so i think i'm giving up. yups. i am. officially. but you know what? i'm glad i at least made that call and tried and it was a very very very fun night. and many good things came out of that night, just that one very important one seems to be missing. which is saddening but what to do? it's not up to me. i'm still kinda reeling from the fact that i psyched myself, with timmie's help, into calling. such unheard-of boldness on my part! phwoar!

And as we pass by each other
Our heads all full of bother
We can't look, we can't stop
We can't think, we can't stop
Because we're stuck in our own paths
And it's the way it always lasts
But i need something more from you

And the song lyric quoting begins.

i really wish i had my camera with me right now.
i'm sitting at the college library (one of the many libraries on campus) on the third floor, overlooking lake mendota.
the docks are just below, and i see people sailing. little white buoys bob up and down and the lake's this pretty shimmering kinda-dark blue. it's a beautiful sunny day.
it's times like this that i think i may actually love being in madison.
i think i'll miss being here when i'm at home for the summer.

for all of college library's rep (leno's called it one of the best places to meet your future life partner. not surprisingly, it gets very social once 5pm arrives.), it's pretty much the most gorgeous place to get some studying done.

wow ok so i don't think i've ever mentioned before but my midterms have pretty much been spaced out such that i have one every week. it's been this way for about a month or so now. probably more. it's a nice system i guess, but it's a vicious cycle of partying and studying. sleep has gradually sunk to one of my lowest priorities, right before eating. yes, eating. exercise has dropped off the charts. probably good that eating dropped down in rankings then eh. heh.

anyways. partying = not partying. i'm not trying to be philosophical or anything but it's just that i haven't been to any good (house) parties recently. clubs here aren't worth going to. my weekends mostly consist of going to a friend's house, playing drinking games until everyone becomes a lot funnier than i ever remember, then going to bed. which is much more fun than standing around in some dude's crowded apartment, feeling awkward in your own social group because everyone else is checking each other out. it's so noisy you can't even have a conversation! i really don't get parties. i don't think i would mind if they played good music, or had fun themes... but parties that're just about beer pong are :\

flip cup, though, i have to admit, is very fun. that sentence had way too many commas.

anyways. so i talked to momsies and dadsies this weekend and it was very nice because i miss them loads and loads. i think i've gotten closer to them since i've been away. because our communication's become so limited, it's gotten much more honest. i don't think it's awkward to talk to my parents about boys... although once mom starts she sometimes goes on a roll and talks like she knows what i'm feeling. i'm sure she does, but not exactly. which bugs me a little. a little.

i'm still glad i talked to her about N though. it's probably not a big deal, but it's more like there's nothing else going on in that department that all my energy's focused on N. still. he's very cute. and confusing. and fun to talk to. and stand-offish. grrr. he takes mixed signals to a whole new level. sometimes i wonder if he's even the same person haha. woah i'm being melodramatic, but you get my drift~

sheeshkebaby i haven't ramble-blogged in eons! phew. must be exam stress.

can't wait to come home in 4 weeks! zomg.

More quotes from my History class readings -

Things That Cannot Be Compared
Summer and Winter. Night and day. Rain and sunshine. Youth and age. A person's laughter and his anger. Black and white. Love and hatred. The little indigo plant and the great philodendron. Rain and mist.

When one has stopped loving somebody, one feels that he has become someone else, even though he is still the same person.

In a garden full of evergreens the crows are all asleep. Then, towards the middle of the night, the crows in one of the trees suddenly wakes up in a great flurry and start flapping about. Their unrest spreads to the other trees, and soon all the birds have been startled from their sleep and are cawing in alarm. How different from the same crows in the daytime!

The Pillow Book of Sei Shonagon

Senile and demented, their mother had become an oni and followed her children into the mountains to devour them. When parents become extremely old they always turn into oni and try to eat even their own children. But she was their mother so they buried her.
Marian Ury, Tales of Times Now Past: 62 Stories from a Medieval Japanese Collection

Wow. Talk about familial love. I just really had to share that heh. I'm reading this for my Japanese History class which is really interesting, tonnes of reading aside.

It's Time to Emo

Emo, as a verb.

We always want the ones that got away.
Or the ones that stay just out of reach.
Teasers.
The ones that stay, you lose your taste for.
Bitchy, but true.

One day, I'll learn to settle
but for now
I think I'm entitled to indulge
in wishful thinking
it's part of being a girl,
right?
And a part of being young
with the illusion that age will never catch on
and you will never be left alone.

Sometimes though
for little fleeting moments
as I lie in bed and
hug myself
before I fall asleep
I feel it.
And I worry about never finding someone to be happy with.

One Last Look At Winter

Today is the official first day of Spring! Last day of spring break. Ness, Ping and I went to the hill by Liz Waters and sledded down on trays from Frank's (dining hall). It was really fun and I'm so glad that I finally indulged in this UW tradition before the official end of winter. Climbing up the hill was a bitch coz the snow had just fallen yesterday so it was still soft and fluffy... Not the best traction. All the silly pictures of tray sledding are on Ping's camera that he hid in his jacket like a second paunch HAHA. He kept trapping snow under his tray and stopping very unceremoniously... Fattie.

Eh my ass damn cold! All the ice wedgie my backside.
- Weiping

I'm excited for the snow to all melt, and walk around outside in my dresses and flip flops and shades again.

So long, Winter! Muuuuah!

Spring Break 08

The Midwestern freeway landscape -









Minneapolis, MN

Mississippi River

Goofing off in the backseat

Pulled over for going 90 on a 65 freeway. (Ness insists we were going at a 100 though.)

Night at Nicolett Mall, Minneapolis, MN

Hick(ory BBQ Beef) Burger

Lego-th Wonder of the World

Sometimes random scenes play in my mind. Very TV drama-worthy. :\
Like this one- lying in bed at 2 am unable to fall asleep:

She watches him take another cigarette from the pack. He notices her look and pauses to light his cigarette.
Y: He exhales smoke as he speaks. You've stopped asking me to quit.
X: Would you stop if I asked you to?
Y: Probably not.
X: So there.
She drinks her coffee goes back to her paper. He watches her from the other side of the paper.
Y: So you don't care if I smoke?
X: You don't care if you smoke.
Y: But you don't care?
She puts down the paper and looks at him through the smoke. She reaches across the breakfast table for his pack of cigarettes. She takes one cigarette out and holds it up to her lips.
X: Do you mind?
Y: He tries to call her bluff. No, of course not. He lights it for her. She takes a long, leisurely drag.
X: Well, I do. She drops the cigarette into his coffee cup.

I'm not quite sure what this means. I think it's a manifestation of my worries. In some bizarre post-midnight semi-dream.

If I retired in Madison...

I will look like this


Ryan says:
and here i am sitting around in boxers

xox,max. says:
i want to set my sch on fire
just to see the ice melt.
fucker!
taunt me with ur lack of clothing.

So the first segment of Spring Sem '08 is winding down. We're a week away from spring break, and I'm a paper and two midterms away from freedom and a Family Guy marathon.

Spring break's not gonna rock, but it's going to be a good break nonetheless! The SG'n freshers are gonna drive up to Minnesota and visit Timmie, because we're to cheap to fly anywhere actually warm. All good though, we'll get to hang out with Timmie, check out the biggest mall in America (creatively named the Mall of America) and finally see what a real American suburb is.

The term suburb has always been somewhat vague to me. :\

Was supposed to go check out Chicago citylights this weekend, get a nice break from the Madison landscape. Realised that going there for Friday night and back by Sat noon for $60 may be a little rash and irrational. So instead of watching the play (it's supposed to be in the style of a Peranakan wedding dinner!) by the UChic sg association, I'm going to cook. Yes. I, Maxine Lam, am going to cook. This will be my 2nd attempt thus far in Madison. The 1st attempt went well, I'll have you know! We made Thai green curry and even had the leftover sweet potato with coconut milk for dessert. Such culinary geniuses we be, hoho.

We = Me, Ness and Timmie.

One day, I will succeed on my own. Just you watch.

But for tomorrow, I think it'll be mostly Ness and Timmo (note: different from Timmie) directing, and me and Timmie taking orders. :\ We're making BA KU TEH. Impressive, no? Heh. I've got leftover chicken in my icebox as well, and Timmo's got shrimp in his freezer. Tis a spread!

Daddy would be so proud of me... Actually being within 30cm of a stove.

I think this week's going to end nicely. What with the home-cooked meal, followed by a party at Jose's. It should be a preeetty damn good party too, since his friend's turning 21 :D Plus: We'll have sake to accompany our ba ku teh, and a (few) game(s) of Winning 11 while we wait for it to be ready.

Never thought I'd say this but - I do miss watching a good game of soccer over a few beers. Hoho, so manly.

Updated on GABBAG blog.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone still reads the blog. But when I don't update, a random person will ask me why I haven't! Which is surprising. Since I really don't think anyone reads this very much.

I still wanna play mahjong :(

Ambivalence, Again.

So my attempts to travel-blog failed relatively miserably. Oh well. Here I am, back in Madison. I was honestly glad to come back. Travelling for a whole month is just beyond exhausting. Living out of a suitcase, constantly changing addresses, having to LUG said suitcase from address to address... Made all the more difficult when the wheel CAME OFF. Omg. A trolley bag with one wheel is just a body bag la, seriously.

I keep bitching about my winter break, but I'm really glad I went through with it anyway. Good times, bad times, all in all, they're just going to be awesome stories to tell in a few months. They're awesome stories to tell now already.

HIGHlights:
FOOD - particularly Chinese, Italian, Jamaican and donuts (yes, they're a category on their own!) More reasons for Wisconsin to build a Chinatown.
Shopping in New York. (No, I did not buy an I <3 NY shirt in the end, because I realised how extremely touristy and tacky they look. Sorry lovelies who were expecting to get one!)
Watching a Broadway musical
Living with Henry in Boston - His family is wonderful. Dogs included. Wonderful dinners and snowboarding :)
Meeting up with Mich/Lim/Vaneh/Shums/Trish :)
Hanging out in Mulla's dorm playing winning eleven and baking brownies.

LOW(but very funny in retrospect)lights:
Pretty much every place we stayed in while in NYC
Freezing for 2 hours at Times Square on New Year's Eve, deciding it was bullshit (best and last decision of 2007) and going back to the hostel to watch it on the big screen :)
Panic-plagued bus ride from Queens to Manhatten
Sight-seeing, any state.
Tedious group photos at sight-seeing locations, any state.
Museum tours that take more than an hour.
Losing a wheel off my luggage, then having to duct tape it so that I can drag it 3 blocks down Times Square.

I'm not too sure how I feel about living in youth hostels. They're pretty cool because you get to meet tons of people from all over, but I can't say I'm a fan of communal showers (I get enough of that at dorms) and nightly rowdy alcoholics bonding over an ashtray I readily mistook for a fruitbowl (it was THAT huge!). I suppose I'm ambivalent, as usual. Hah.

I WAS really excited about school, but once lessons actually started, I'm not sure I actually like it anymore. Or maybe it's other things that I'm losing excitement over... Damn boys! I guess the semester hasn't exactly started off the way I'd like it to. And that disappointment's just wearing down the excitement. Oh well.

My biggest fear is just becoming so passive that I stop going out and being sociable. I really should start going for those student org meetings I keep getting emails for :\ Heh. Ohhhhhh wellllll...

I think I'll just go downstairs to hang out in the lounge for a bit before I go to bed. I'm getting sleepy, though. Yawn.